April 28, 2016
Wading Through the Sandbox
I recently got a job. And currently, I am being trained. My trainer said that because everything about this job is fairly new to me, in the time being he would let me try everything as if I were a kid playing in a sandbox.
Everything is actually a bit new to me. Although I have worked in an office setting when I taught English to Koreans online, the main job is completely a new whole language for me. Every little thing seems scary. A complete new set of jargon is thrown at me and I feel really helpless in understanding them. So he is right, I am a kid again. But instead of me being in a sandbox, I think it is me who is the sandbox being played at by someone.
I really don’t like that idiom. I never experienced playing in a sandbox before. Most of the playgrounds I went to when I was a kid didn’t have it so it was a new thing for me.
But it must be a good experience, playing there. You get to do whatever you want. Make anything you want. Destroy anything that you made. And no one would say that you did something bad because you were just playing. Imagine that power.
As for me, I don’t feel like a guiltless free kid ruining or creating something in his sandbox. I feel like I am the sand being manipulated within the box. Why? Well, when we make sand castles we add water to sand, we put it in a pail and stuff it so the sand when it comes out, would be packed and relatively hard. But the same water could destroy the castle once we place it by the shore.
That’s exactly how I feel now in my life. I really feel as if someone has the strings of my life in their hands and he’s pulling them any which way he wants. And I could do nothing about it. I just conform to whatever move he wants because it is inevitable. Fighting is futile.
The unfair thing about is, is that I don’t remember being asked if I wanted to be the sand. As far as I’m concerned, I would have wanted to be a rock. Much more sturdy and unchangeable. But no. I’m still sand.
I guess in a way, it is good to be sand. You get to be molded and shaped in good ways and bad ways; well of course you want the good ways. Being always given a chance to grow and improve your potential is also very powerful. Being sand means trusting in that force pulling you that it is strong enough to not let you go as you go through every transformation in life.
If that is the case, then I guess it’s best I change my mind and decide that I like being the sand in the sandbox.